Self-Examination for Men

1. If you are over forty and you have a washboard stomach,     you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer     with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing     sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.  2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like     a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches     itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and     whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog...     'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!'     Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy,     snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.  3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any      such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man     only sucks on bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish     guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you're in     training and undeniably gay.    4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a     parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship.     A man's world is his bathroom; he goes wherever he pleases.  5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you own     designer kneepads. A straight man will never be heard ordering     a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your     lips, you've had a man there, too.  6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four     different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might     as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have     memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can     pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay.     And  if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton     or denim, you're gay. 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying     to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel     to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut off the jerk. The rest of the     time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a burger,     or hold his beer. 8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because     you are afraid of hurting their feelings, then you are definitely on the     verge on being a fudgepacker!!